Jewish Mourning Customs: Shiva & Kaddish

When someone we love dies, the world can feel like it has stopped. In those first hours and days, it is hard to know what to do next.

Jewish tradition has been walking with mourners for thousands of years. Jewish mourning customs offer a gentle structure for grief: rituals that tell us what to do when we can’t think straight, and a community that shows up so no one mourns alone.

This guide explains the main Jewish mourning customs, from the funeral through shiva, Kaddish, and yahrzeit. It is written for families who have just lost someone, and for friends who want to know how to help. As a Reform congregation, Temple Sinai invites each family to choose the traditions that feel meaningful to them, and our clergy are here to guide you through every step.

First Steps: Call the Synagogue

If someone in your family has died, please call the Temple office as soon as you hear the news, even if the funeral will be held out of town. Our clergy can help with arrangements, plan the service with you, offer guidance on talking with children, and help you plan for shiva.

We also ask that you contact our clergy before scheduling a funeral service, so we can be there for you. You’ll find contact details and helpful resources on our End-of-Life Support & Mourning page.

The Funeral (Levayah)

Jewish funerals are usually held soon after death, often within a day or two. The tradition favors simplicity, because every person is created in the image of God and everyone is equal in death.

A few customs you may see:

Kriah (tearing). Before the service, close mourners tear a garment or wear a torn black ribbon pinned near the heart. It is an outward sign of an inner loss. Many families wear the ribbon on the left side for a parent and on the right side for other relatives.
Hesped (eulogy). A rabbi, cantor, or family member shares the story of the person’s life.
Kevurah (burial). At the graveside, mourners and friends often place a few shovelfuls of earth into the grave. It is considered one of the purest kindnesses, because it can never be repaid.

At Temple Sinai, our clergy can lead services at the synagogue, at the graveside, or at a funeral chapel.

The kriah ribbon is a powerful symbol in our own sanctuary. Our Czech Memorial Torah Scroll, which survived the Holocaust, is dressed with a large kriah ribbon in memory of its lost community. You can read its story on our Memorial Scroll page.

A note for friends: Flowers are not a traditional part of Jewish funerals. Many people instead make a donation (tzedakah) in the person’s memory, or bring food to the family during shiva.

Sitting Shiva: The Heart of Jewish Mourning Customs

Shiva comes from the Hebrew word for seven. It is the week of mourning that begins after the burial, when the family stays home and the community comes to them.

Common shiva customs include:

A shiva candle that burns for the full seven days.
Covering mirrors, so mourners can turn their attention away from appearances and toward memory.
Sitting on low chairs or stools, a traditional sign of being brought low by grief.
Prayer services in the home, so mourners can say Kaddish surrounded by community.
A meal of condolence after the funeral, often prepared by friends. Round foods like eggs and lentils are traditional, because they remind us of the circle of life.

Shabbat pauses public mourning, and major holidays can shorten shiva. Many families today, including many Reform families, choose to sit shiva for fewer than seven days. There is no wrong way to do this. Our clergy can help you decide what fits your family.

Visiting a Shiva House

Many people feel nervous about making a shiva call. You don’t need special words. Your presence is the gift.

A few simple tips:

Follow the mourner’s lead. Let them start the conversation. Some will want to talk about their loved one; others will want quiet company.
Share a memory. Stories about the person who died are often the most comforting thing you can offer.
Keep it short. A visit of 20 to 30 minutes is usually just right.
Bring food, or help in practical ways. A meal, a tray of fruit, or an offer to run errands goes a long way.

When you leave, a traditional phrase of comfort is “HaMakom y’nachem etkhem b’tokh sha’ar avelei Tziyon v’Yerushalayim”: “May God comfort you among the mourners of Zion and Jerusalem.” A simple “I’m so sorry for your loss” is just as welcome.

Sheloshim and the First Year

Mourning in Judaism happens in stages, each a little lighter than the last.

Sheloshim (“thirty”) is the 30-day period that begins with the funeral. Mourners return to work and daily life, but often still avoid parties and celebrations.
The first year. For a parent, the mourning period traditionally continues for twelve months.
The unveiling. Sometime during the first year, often near the first anniversary, family and friends gather at the cemetery to dedicate the headstone. It is a short, simple service.

Saying Kaddish

The Mourner’s Kaddish is one of the best-known prayers in Judaism. Surprisingly, it never mentions death. Written mostly in Aramaic, it is a prayer praising God and hoping for peace. Saying it is a way of affirming life even in a moment of loss.

Traditionally, Kaddish is recited in the presence of a minyan, a group of ten, because mourning is meant to happen in community. For a parent, it is customarily said for eleven months; for other relatives, for thirty days.

Kaddish is part of every Shabbat service at Temple Sinai. You are always welcome to join us on Friday evenings at 6:15 PM or Saturday mornings at 10:30 AM (see our Worship page for details). If you can’t be there in person, you can watch our services live online and say Kaddish from home.

If you’ve never attended a service before, our guide to Your First Visit to Temple Sinai: What to Expect at Shabbat Services can help you feel at home.

Yahrzeit: Remembering Each Year

Yahrzeit is the anniversary of a loved one’s death, traditionally observed on the date of the Hebrew calendar, so it shifts a little on the regular calendar from year to year. You can find the date with the Yahrzeit Calculator from ReformJudaism.org.

Many families mark the day by:

Lighting a yahrzeit candle at sundown the evening before. It burns for about 24 hours.
Saying Kaddish at Shabbat services.
Giving tzedakah in their loved one’s memory.
Sharing stories with family, so younger generations come to know the person too.

Yizkor: Remembering Together

Four times a year, Jewish communities hold Yizkor, a memorial service for loved ones who have died: on Yom Kippur, Shemini Atzeret, the last day of Passover, and Shavuot.

Yizkor links personal memory to the rhythm of the Jewish year. You can read more about these holidays in our earlier posts:

Judaism also sets aside a day for communal grief, as we explored in What Is Tisha B’Av? Its lesson applies to personal loss too: mourning is meant to move, slowly, toward comfort and hope.

Helping Children Through Loss

Children grieve too, and they often have honest, direct questions. It is usually best to use honest, concrete words rather than euphemisms like “went on a long trip,” and to let children take part in the rituals in ways that feel right for their age, like lighting a candle or sharing a favorite memory.

ReformJudaism.org offers a helpful guide to talking to children about death, and our clergy are glad to talk with parents. For more on nurturing Jewish life at home, see Raising Jewish Children in Miami: What Parents Should Know.

You Don’t Have to Grieve Alone

At Temple Sinai, we worship together, celebrate together, learn together, and mourn together.

Through our Caring Community, volunteers help grieving families with funeral guidance, shiva coordination, meals, and ongoing check-ins in the weeks and months that follow. Our clergy are here for a phone call or a visit whenever you need them.

If you or someone you love needs additional support, our guide to Jewish Community Resources in North Miami & Aventura includes local organizations that offer counseling and care.

Whatever you are carrying, you are not carrying it alone.

May the memories of those we have lost be a blessing.

Shiva, Kaddish, and Yahrzeit: A Guide to Jewish Mourning Customs